Episode 35 · 38:17
The importance of reading T&C and healing from the past
Terms and conditions are the agreement most people accept without reading; old emotional patterns can work the same way. Dan and Tom use that comparison to explore consent, assumptions and the hidden rules carried forward from past experiences.
Healing begins by noticing those rules, deciding which still protect you and rewriting the ones that now limit connection or choice.
The useful bits
What to take with you
- Unexamined assumptions influence behaviour as powerfully as explicit agreements.
- A coping strategy can remain active long after the situation that created it has ended.
- Naming the rule behind a reaction makes it easier to question.
- Healing is not erasing the past; it is recovering choice in the present.
Watch the conversation
The original episode.
Full conversation
Transcript
Transcript generated from YouTube captions. Dan/Tom speaker attribution is AI-assisted and may occasionally be incorrect.
Spoilers one of which I'll just say the premise one of which is like um [Music] welcome welcome to another episode of don't be a dust up it is nice and sunny here I've been enjoying the sunshine and I've thought I'd Spruce things up and not always wear black or dark colors and give you a nice little colorful shirt for you it reminds me of like Hawaii Vibes you know you always as a kid used to have that kind of like shirt that.
You'd wear it was a bit like fancy so um I thought I'd done on a bit of a shirt to to bring the the summer Vibes because you know sun is out mood's always better so how are you doing today Tom yeah not too bad I woke up and I woke up very knackered even I slept very well Ovis is always great when you're dragging yourself out of bed you could barely open your eyes it's always a good.
Way to start your Monday morning apart from that I'm doing good I've cracked and bought a Netflix um account because I wanted to watch Black Mirror so yesterday we watched a couple of episodes of Black Mirror and I'm always entertained with how good the writing is because it's always they play on people's fears but it's not too far away from reality right it's plausible and something that you've never had to consider um in any depth but now it makes you.
Consider it more so it's basically making people a little bit paranoid or not paranoid but like um like attentive or like alert um so yeah you've not watched any of you I guess I can't spoil it no because I've only just I think I I think I came across one or two of their older Seasons probably like yeah yeah I don't know how many seasons there are but probably like six one to three or whatever just because um Tony was into them so normally I'll.
I'll end up watching them because he's watching them rather than I watch them out of Joy I like their creative stimulation of watching something that's inspiring one because it's somebody's idea somebody which basically is Charlie Brooker right so Charlie Brooker is the guy that did scream wipe back in the day um which was a a TV show which basically critique different episodes of TV and so forth um and I I always think his creativity to come up with these use cases or.
Scenarios is just great as well as then their execution of it is good because they put a Twist in or or something um so yeah it's uh creative if you want to get into like writing um watching his stuff is very entertaining very creative and clever so I always find it like satisfying that's cool I'd be interested to know the topic but I guess there'll be loads of spoilers unless we said spoilers and then you could talk about it cool I'll say.
Spoilers one of which I'll just say the premise one of which is like um we all don't really read T's and C's right terms and conditions and that basically backfires on multiple people um so then they basically utilize the person's um face voice like life in a TV show and obviously if they do it in a TV show they can do anything with you right so that's basically one of one of the episodes it's very clever so of course.
Like we're all worried about T's and C's well we're not worried about tnc's but now it makes us worried about T's and C's because who knows what companies are sneaking in there so then when it comes to trying to sue somebody obviously American style um you're a bit like no you can't sue because you that's what you agreed to and all the rest of it so it's very clever it's just it's like a simple idea but very clever and done executed.
Brilliantly I was watching this um comedians podcast and he's talking about the teas and sees how he just said yep that's completely fine but it's basically it was indoor skydiving and what he tip uh what he ticked or I think he didn't tick or something it's basically like are you over 18 all right are you pregnant and he's like yeah this is fine for me but then I think the third one was like have you ever dislocated your shoulder or hurt your.
Shoulder in the last three years or whatever so then when he went to it he's like oh yeah I have it's like well you've literally started saying you haven't so you can't do this anymore like we've got ever like we've got evidence saying you can and you physically said you can't so you can't and apparently he's like so can I have my money back he's like no because it's on our teas and seas that we don't really yeah like basically you're the.
One that were completely fine with it um so then he had to like send his mum and his I think ex-girlfriend or something or a girlfriend boyfriend at the time and he's just like saying how it's funny because like he just read the thing like and then he just ignored the last bit that was more relevant for him about shoulder pain and stuff why didn't you have that separate because no one reads past the first line I I think a lot of the time uh companies.
Force you to scroll down to the bottom before they allow you to check yes I understand so I hope that with the power of like AI tools that you'd be able to like grab a bunch of T's and C's pump it in and be like is there anything in here that I should be like aware of that's going to be like detrimental to me and then it'd be like yes you're signing away the rights to your voice so be.
Careful so they could create a fake podcast kind of thing with your voice but it's it's challenging because people don't really do it but it's also down to the companies right they write them in a way there's all like legal jargon and legal speak and really they need to be so much like clearer written in like just as if a five-year-old could read it and that's not like an offensive thing like it's just by that I mean like.
Clarity absolute Clarity I would love to read it as a five-year-old written out because it would just mean that it was absolutely clear and is no like jug and to obscure any sort of thing so I really like monzo's like terms and conditions because they're always quite clear with how they're written up and and what they say um in theirs because again just if you write it clear then you're gonna have more trust aren't you really so yeah and you're gonna understand it as.
If they're not sneaking something in yeah but another thing that I've been um watching is a guy called um Rob Dyrdek I think it's pronounced d-y-r-d-e-k he is an ex skateboarder he's super into like MTV and creating shows for MTV he now um runs a bunch of businesses out of this like durdeck machine um and he specifically has been I'm not sure if he's been doing for the last five years or so but been collecting data on his life and categorizing it so.
He can be like cool for the last year I spent 34 working or something so he's like granularly trying to measure every aspect of life like did he do his so did he get up at 5am did he do his brain training did he work out uh did he eat and then did he work like did he spend time with the family and all this stuff so all these metrics he's weighed it all up and measured it all throughout the.
Year and years and then he's able to quantify that with how did he feel about life so how did he feel about um his sleep how did he feel about life in general and he's like scoring it out of ten so then he's scoring um his time versus feelings in a hope that he's able to um ultimately gamify happiness so he wants to create a lifestyle that creates happiness and joy um and also a life that makes it like.
Prolonged so he's looking into like cool so he's now in adding into his data set he's adding in like his blood markers and he's getting like health checks and stuff and all his minerals and all this stuff and vitamins to elongate his life to that um like 110 level uh years and also feel like fully um happy so he doesn't drink alcohol he doesn't like eat sugar he eats like super Lean Like protein and veg kind of like meat and veg meals and stuff so I.
Found it super fascinating and I find it almost inspiring to do something of the same so when you when you basically um oh sorry when you basically yes um like measure that stuff you realize oh like I'm doing something that I don't like or I'm doing something that impacts me negatively so I'm like I'm very tempted to do something of the same in a small way even if it was just like a happiness metric of like called this.
Week broadly speaking what are the buckets and how happy did I feel you know was it sharing that information or was it all to himself so he doesn't have it I don't think he has it publicly but he's sharing his process and some of the detail of what he has so he's like oh back in 2015 I was like this number and now I'm this number which means that my activity changes I've gone from 34 to like 30.
Work and that has meant that my happiness metric has gone up in the workspace so I'm like oh you can have these like correlations basically in the connections of data um so yeah being very granular but what I find is very fascinating is I it doesn't I think his his mum's Christian um he he quotes the Bible or or references God sometimes um but this idea of quantifying fulfillment or Joy or something is really interesting because that would be almost Christianity of.
Some sorts right wanting a letter wanting to live a fulfilled life and and feel the sense of joy and prolonged Joy not just momentary Joy um so I found it really really interesting um so he's actually done a couple of podcasts where he explains his processing more depth um and how fulfilling it is for him in keeping his progress you know that is very very interesting and I guess the Christianity part to it is I'm seeing if I can find my chat from.
Yesterday I don't think I could um basically I went down a using AI as a mental slash counselor to see what would happen on um I guess how to feel um password so instead of how to not feeling good enough how to go against that basically and it's a saying it's not to do with your external achievements but actually your identity in a in a child of God but then I was I was sort of asking it give me questions.
To go deeper on the thoughts of this um because sometimes when you hear a word like child of God it's like well what does that mean what does that look like and it's quite interesting because it's basically saying um how does it correlate what your day-to-day view of a child of God should be to what actually is happening and it is fascinating because I guess you're theology comes out um in the in the wash to some extent because I I didn't realize there's like.
Oh the things would go your way and you'd be a little bit more in the know of knowing what's going on what's Happening well things aren't going always your way and you feel out of the know but then I was like well surely those two things equal more trust than being in the know because actually being in the nose being God but not being a child of God so it's like is yeah it's very interesting yeah idea the sort of happiness and.
Identity triangle yeah it comes back to um how we like in the really early stages of the Pod I think one of our episodes was about challenging narratives right challenge what you you've been told and what you know um to make sure that that's the correct lens in which you like run life with um and again it is when when we speak about Christianity or church or whatever A lot of the time people get in the way and again Church might be triggering for.
Some people because of their experience with people in the church and so forth so yeah let alone then a relationship with God and you have these definitions or these understandings of how specifically that plays out like Father's day was yesterday right so um a church they were talking about um the um the two guys that had inheritance one guy wanted it straight away he then ran away and like pied hard with it and then came back to the dad and just some of.
The Dynamics of the dad was like expectant and like completely no judgment and excited to to bring him back and stuff and just calling out the the qualities of how the the dad acted in in that and how that played out um comes to kind of our understanding as well as we were reading another part which is basically about um we are blessed we are favored um and ultimately that is another perspective um that we want to kind of understand so.
Because we're blessing David we are accepted so sometimes in life really all we want is a sense of acceptance or a sense of understanding and it's quite challenging sometimes for us to equate that to a spiritual or a god um because we've had negative experiences of humans where we've had humans let us down therefore we assume God might also let us down and I think just again um kind of understanding afresh these uh facts as I would say is like good to.
Kind of push that fact through into like action and how that changes how you act and if you did understand that the creator of the universe was completely happy with you and and enjoyed you and loved you kind of thing like how would that then change your outlook on life or how would that change your day-to-day life rather than thinking uh God is a god of judgment and and so forth It's like yeah challenge these views really and go back to basics of what does it.
Actually say um because I think that's the difficulty with just Christianity on a whole of I guess interpreting it from yourself because you're either reading it through your lens or let's say the Trinity you're looking at the father you're either viewing it of fathers that you've seen in your life or your own father or stepfather or whatever and it is very interesting how you might read something in the Bible that says God loves you and cares for you but then.
You see different dads in your local area absolutely hating their kids and frustrated and want to go out to work to basically avoid them and I think it is a very interesting are you reading it through the lens of the Bible and and fleshing that out or you're reading it through the culture slash experiences of what you might be seeing or vice versa of how God might view you over how you view you um it is really yeah an interesting one that you gotta.
Somehow um navigate those um limps or wounds that you may or may not know about which I just find really interesting yeah it's trying to remove the emotional experience or the traumatic experience whatever that is rolling it up to the bigger picture to be able to understand what are the Baseline facts in which you then reconfigure those memories um because it's kind of like therapy almost it's like you have this trauma or this experience you basically want to go back to the.
Memory of that trauma and experience which is typically when you're a younger version AKA or like a child right a child version and as the now adult be able to comfort the in that child in that memory with kind of like hey it's okay these are the facts like this is the actual like truth of the situation so you did your best and that's okay and you did what you did with the knowledge you knew at the time.
Don't worry hey and you basically like um comfort that child version of yourself so then when you look back at that memory the memory doesn't seem so harsh or so um cutting or or as traumatic as it was because there's basically the wisdom and perspective of the adult version of yourself brought into the situation to to kind of like break it down so then the memory becomes a little bit easier I think it's trying to do that but it's.
Very difficult of course because um trauma and hurt is something that takes like weeks months years to to kind of like unearth basically or kind of like work through right but broadly speaking that's the Top Line it is going in and changing the narrative so it's a better perspective right here yeah and it only does take time but I think where the church wrestles as well is the God can also do Miracles but he could also take time and people wrestle.
With that so I was speaking with mum the other day about healings and and stuff like that and and it was really interesting because she said how someone um in the church that they went to no names and um basically went to uh grandparents went to nine and basically said there must be sin in your life that's why you're not getting healed to some extent um and it's a very strange thing because luckily she had Faith she understand the.
Bible and was like I disagree with that completely because to some extent it's the decay of this world that naturally everyone passes away is not based off a decaying living in sin that's why you're not getting healed because it's very a one-dimensional I guess like a Prosperity gospel-esque if your skin or ill then there must be something bad when actually most of the Gospel is Jesus going after people that are um prostitutes or struggle with drugs or alcohol whatever and gives them.
A point of connection that is greater than power or money which is love which is very intriguing that to some extent it humbles you in a place of struggle and pain um rather than you going I've got it all together I don't need God or I don't need anything um that's what Jesus was so challenging at the end of day is the the powers of the world at that time didn't feel like they needed it even though they walked.
It out in God but yeah it's it's a very interesting Dynamic of everyone just yeah going from their own experiences but also how it's even translated so what I'm trying to do now is um there's a company called the Bible project and they've started a new they're very good at animations and and teachings of like different stuff of the Bible or different topics or different areas but they've started this thing called classroom where it's like one teacher that's like a super scholar and.
Knows loads of stuff and it's like Greek and such and such and then like people around that hasn't done it so then they could chime into questions and stuff that he says of like how they even translated it and what does the word mean pre being translated to English and what everyone knows it to be in the New Living Translation or King James or whatever it brings its it makes it more interesting um because you're not becoming anal.
Towards the English language that actually wasn't even written in the English language um it's very similar to like hitting a snooker ball if you slightly knock it off it'll completely Veer off and I think sometimes when you go to the source of it it's as if you're getting closer when you're hitting it's going in the direction that you want it to go hmm so it's yeah it's an interesting journey of learning to add to some of the stuff around like.
The healing thing I think generally and um sin in your life and all that stuff I think generally speaking I think culture plays a massive part into interpretation as well of like the British culture of uh it's like good to be you know um at the bottom or like you know turn the other you know how Doctrine has been applied to instill a sense of like oh the stiff upper lip or like put up with some think and things rather than.
Um and like woe is me so generally speaking that idea of like it's okay to be suffering and so forth um and which kind of counteracts then the more optimistic view which is basically Christianity is both a blend of understanding um kind of like past um past behaviors um of like call I probably could have done better here here here right and wanting to reunite ourselves with God uh through Jesus but it's also like when that has happened what do you now do now.
That you understand the the Dynamics what can you like positively think in a bigger place and what can you do uh empowered by like the your understanding of God Holy Spirit and Jesus um and be much more positive around cool so can we believe and and Trust for big things um because I would say Society generally speaking affirmations as a concept or a kind of a spiritual concept of saying positive things over yourself and positive things turn up like broadly.
Speaking that's kind of like a a snippet or or like a a shoot off from favor right and an understanding that God is for you so you might be like okay it's the universe and nature so the universe is going to bring me good things right so well really it's it's God so it's kind of like there are offshoots of Christianity um label does affirmations for example um that's a bit more oh the Creator and and the universe and things when really.
It's like now let's just agree that there is a Creator and that Creator is God I you know and try to like bring back to this but again I completely understand it because most often people are hurt from church experiences like even you know you and I have been hurt from people in church right so it is the way and I think again sometimes the church we're a family like means that we put up with bad principles like bad family Dynamics because we're.
Again told to like put up with it right and told that this is the ideal um so churches don't really talk about if there's toxic relationships in the church how to step away from them and not feel guilt written that you should be you know really really close with people that hurt you or or stuff like that you know and forego your own boundaries and things yeah yeah I guess it's more what do you do in your day-to-day life rather than maybe.
Even hard to deal with conflict that you might struggle with even within a family that um like how to do it in a healthy way rather than kicking and screaming and not hearing anyone and seeing a lot of pain um but yeah it is very interesting because even on the weekend we're talking with some friends saying what happens if their Church let's say tomorrow disperses and you can go and do whatever you feel prompted to do um and they were like actually they lead.
Like a small group and they're like we'll just do that because actually we feel there's a sense of family there's a sense of home we hear from God we learn about him and then we go out in time communities um to then just try and show love to that area we just just thought was interesting how okay they're sort of doing what they're doing but imagine if you're like right you don't need a come on up Sunday you could either move it on.
To a Sunday or keep a Sunday for you to be even more flexible to do other things but then for other people it's like oh no we we need Sunday that's what I live for but it it sort of feels like the church is very similar to the classroom in the sense that how the class is taught probably works for 60 70 80 but then what you do with the with the 20 you either force them into the classroom and then they'll never.
Learn and be that bad kid or funny kid or quietkit or whatever or you just create spaces obviously nowadays there's like sensory rooms and there's more technology and stuff to help um so how do you do that from a church perspective rather than do something because I was saying the church model worked in the past because no one could read the Bible so you'd have that one person that understands it and specifically can read it because no one.
Could read it but now you're getting to the point that okay actually you can get taught you can teach yourself as long as you can read it a lot of people are getting taught so what 90 probability of church can read now rather than probably 10 of the church so actually how we develop in as a as a Sunday or as a church as a whole church is a building or as a system as a spirit or whatever you want.
To call it because actually there's so much that's changed that even now you could probably have better teachers of the Bible in the congregation that you wouldn't have had in the past which I just find really interesting how but we just keep to the same model like businesses are changing rapidly but then schools you still sat at a desk like do you work do this copy out this book or whatever which I just find really interesting but then like businesses.
That are booming they're just doing whatever they want they can work whatever they want it's a lot more flexible and even people's lifestyles but even with the business analogy basically business analogy of like culture cultures within businesses for example there'll be certain companies that are like Star to be and they have like a fridge of snacks or a fridge of drinks or whatever and that culture attracts a new type of person right um and moving away from the old way of.
Working to new ways of working or people with like remote work so now there is a more of an ask and one and requirement for remote work to be a concept to be like you know three days out two days in or however they want to spin it so I think with all these things company cultures as a whole somebody needs to Pioneer it to begin with then it becomes the norm um and that flexibility and I think with.
The power of Technology personalization um can be done at a larger scale right so could that not be applied um to Gatherings of people you know um to to perfect it because yeah you're right I think we've all been forced into a nine to five even let alone at school level you've been forced into a nine to five and not all people work well in a nine to five it might be they prefer to work different hours like maybe like.
Three hours on three hours off or whatever whatever right so I think like again how do you add personalization into things to optimize self and also others if you happen to be a business owner um because it's more about output rather than process as it were so if you can change the process to increase output [Music] yeah it's fairly interesting stuff and I guess it takes just a couple of people to Pioneer in you and you a new.
Way and you and you stay without obviously compromising on some of the just foundational understandings uh of things um because again I just get reminded like Jesus a lot of the time was just kind of you know a lot of his encounters with the Pharisees were disagreeing with how they were doing it right so I'm like why was that so specific because I wonder that do churches end up becoming like Pharisees in the sense of like hey hang.
In a minute you can't come in because you didn't shake my hand or well hang on you need to stand when the songs are on you know or whatever it is whatever my new kind of like rule-based thing um it's probably because more people are like rule-based orientated have had the stronger narrative like the stronger voices because um if you're in a group of people chances are rules are required to kind of manage a large group of people which is.
Understandable but you probably like the rule people need rules more than the spontaneous people need spontaneity right so the rules people get the priority potentially you know I think that's the thing with particularly raw people they can find their safety more in the rules rather in their faith and I think that's the difficulty I think spontaneous people be like well things will work out I think it's it's more natural to the more Ebbs and flows of let's say.
A relationship that you can't create a rule book for it fully because it'll be different for each friend or each relationship it comes down to like um head knowledge and heart knowledge and to me I'm like I have a lot what I would say like encounters like spiritual encounters which to me is like convincing for like far deeper convincing in in the heart rather than the fact that I've just read it alone um and how that plays out with anybody.
Right if you saw a heat somebody get healed or somebody's like if they were deaf in one ear and suddenly it popped open like you seeing that would be like could I keep this this there's something here rather than reading like hey deaf people were healed you might be like cool but it's like the encounter let alone if it happened for yourself um in that situation so it's like in life trying to seek out the encounters like and manage had knowledge and part.
Knowledge yeah I think it's always tough I think because we've talked about it before haven't we have like how you can go on this emotional Journey that worship can be constructed of you play a really high song to get your heart beating and you're really excited and then you like Drop it to like this like more thoughtful View and then you work your way basically back up um to it and you're it's as if you're taking everyone on that same Journey.
That can be sometimes of enough of an emotional boost that it can feel like a healing but it's one of those things that does it I think the question is does it matter is like the classic Placebo if it works is a good or is it bad because they're depending on a spiritual or an emotional Journey rather than a spiritual journey it's always an interesting yeah because we're sort of talking about that on the weekend as well yeah because.
Um I I believe that it can happen in both hot and cold rooms right in the sense of if you're like right let's start talking about healing and and praying for healing now like a cold start I think it would happen there in the same way that um it would happen if there was a basically a mindset journey of just like understanding and kind of like setting the tone for it then to happen after as like a warm sense.
Um and I think it's important because we've had experiences of things being manipulated you want things to be like authentic so how do you create authenticity authenticity might be that that you don't want to feel like you've been emotionally manipulated to a space you know which I I personally don't feel like worship is emotional manipulation in the same way that you'd listen to any album of any artist or like Han Zimmer and you would never claim that Hans.
Zimmer manipulated into you feeling a certain way um or even if you hear the Star Wars theme song you know is it John Smith or some something um oh it's not John Smith it's somebody else I'm Josh Johnson like that composer or like any sort of composer are they manipulating you I I don't think so I think they're just creating a piece of art really um and then we are emotively reacting to the piece of art or that that kind of.
Expression or the journey or the words or something and because of our understanding of music or the understanding of words um but yeah I think there's um there's all sorts of stuff that there's basically a bunch of hurdles and sadly these hurdles are all hurdles that are in the way for connecting with God so it's like how do you remove the yeah how do you remove the hurdles of you know human hair or the idea of oh well.
I've seen manipulation in the past so I'm a bit wary and that's tough to get down to just truths so then those truths can be experienced um and like understood properly so then you don't have a a um kind of a skewed outlook on how you live life because of a particular experience that skewed it um again it comes down to self-reflection and you know for yourself um taking it upon yourself to to delve into these things rather than living off.
Somebody else's experience or living off somebody else's um you know words to you and so forth so It ultimately just requires more to really grasp it for yourself and then when you do it just sits better hopefully yeah okay but yeah in in summary again so important to be self-reflective and um really understand and reverse engineer experiences and if there's a memory of hurt that comes up like D like dealing with it AKA think about it and dissect it a little.
Bit because ultimately that will just level you up level you up and there's no rush so it can take a month it can take five years it could take ten years but it's important to do it because you're basically getting to the best iteration of yourself the most consistent version uh the most consistent and best version of yourself which ultimately benefits you let alone then the outworking of you as a best person then helps other people to become their best versions and most.
Consistent versions of themselves so yeah that's the thing you don't need to do it alone there's friends there's Us in the comments yeah yeah or whatever on those our Lord and savior chat GPT [Laughter] and there's AI that's very good at just you asking it to be a certain Persona because then you get that that you can ask it to be a therapist that's got 30 years experience and it'll slightly change its tone which I just find really interesting but also and the.
Best bet is ask it to ask questions to make you go deeper and it'll give you questions that are normally open-ended that then you have to think and see what pops up in your brain in your heart and people might not know that chat GPT is free to use so obviously you can pay for a higher tier but the 3.5 model so the four model is something you pay for 3.5 bundle is free so using that rather than having to pay 30 40 50 60 70.
80 pounds for therapy um it's like a really like why not right it's a it's a deal that's just um perfect right you get a free therapist by chatting to chat GTP so why wouldn't you do it so deal that you can't miss indeed click on the sponsor link below we don't have it to sponsor link but yeah until next time keep hammering those nails [Music] [Music].